I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
