My nipple is on Facebook.
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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