Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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