I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
