I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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