WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
