I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
