im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
