my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
