I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
