gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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