I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Nicole vs. Life
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
