Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
