I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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