please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize