New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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