He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
