I am spending my child support on dildos
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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