Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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