new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
