you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
