guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
