i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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