Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Randomize
