No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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