It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
