When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Randomize
