dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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