we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???