Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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