I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
