someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
