He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
