Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
