you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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