So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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