I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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