My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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