by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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