If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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