She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
