Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
