They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
