made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
