i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
