The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
