Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
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dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
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Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
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