I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
