You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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