Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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