He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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