I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
