Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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