just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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