oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
