Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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