bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Boobs are out for the taking
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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