I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
